Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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