mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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