I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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