I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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