guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
