i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
