My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
