just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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