That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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