i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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