Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I didn't notice because vodka
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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