My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
