Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
