hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize