Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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