Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize