Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
