the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
