totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize