we'll go far in life on tits alone.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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