I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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