having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
