I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
