Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize