Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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