i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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