You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize