There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
