Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
