I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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