Plan B is the new Plan A
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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