Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
