I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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