i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
