Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
