im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
