I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
