he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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