Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
