Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
