I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
