You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
