Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
