I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
