theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
