I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
