I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize