There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
