saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
