Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
