Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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