Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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