So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
