i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
