Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
