yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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