In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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