Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
