Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
