it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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