my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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