This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize