Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
